Finding Aslan
by birdbrain987
Summary: After the end of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Lucy struggles with the fact that she will never go back to Narnia and Edmund wonders about Aslan's country.
1. Hurt

**Author's Note**: This was written after reading the Chronicles of Narnia, when I had this story going round and round in my head. In the end I took a couple of days off revision to write it. It is not copyrighted. Copy it, quote it, pass it on to your friends as you please. I don't mind

In this update I have made some small edits to wording and added a little bit more about Eustace in Chapter 2 – not a major update! This will probably be the last update, it feels finished now.

The whole upper half of her body was racked with sobs as she finally let it all out. Her eyes were stinging, her head ached and the pillow was sodden, but still she shook with choked cries, trying desperately not to be too loud. She told herself that she wanted to be strong for Edmund, for although he seemed to be taking it so well, he must be struggling like her. But if she was honest, she was too proud to let the others know that she had been crying. None of the others had been this bad.

It was now two weeks since Aslan had sent them home for good, never to return to the world of Narnia, which she so loved. It had been the same as the other times at first; they had talked long into the night of their adventures, and shared all their favourite memories of the Dawn Treader. Everything was different and better than it had been before they went - nobody could miss the change in Eustace! Now the three of them did everything together, and she didn't even mind that they had to stay in Cambridge for a while longer. She would miss Eustace when they left.

But none of that could make up for the terrible pain in her chest that was wrought when it sunk in that they would never return to Narnia. For the last week it had been a dull ache, but tonight it had come to the surface and she could not bear it. Never seeing the sun rising over the gleaming Eastern Ocean. Never dancing with the fauns and satyrs in moonlit glades. Never seeing Aslan.

At last the tears ceased and the quiet sadness that follows enshrouded her. Too exhausted to move she shut her eyes. As sleep drifted over her, it was as if a faint voice whispered in her ear, "By knowing me here for a little, you may know me there better."

Lucy was a little late to breakfast and was scolded by Aunt Alberta, which was quite a common occurrence so it didn't really matter, but when Edmund said, "Morning Lu," and Lucy only smiled (and rather poorly at that), Edmund and Eustace exchanged worried glances over the table. Eustace, who was still rather new to the idea of other people having feelings, decided to follow Edmund's lead, and Edmund, who was very hungry, decided to let it wait till after breakfast. Thus, with Uncle Harold reading his newspaper, and Aunt Alberta making a shopping list, it was an almost entirely silent breakfast, which relieved Lucy as she was afraid that talking would give her away. As people foolishly do sometimes, she was hoping that no one would notice anything wrong with her, so that she wouldn't have to talk about it.

"It's a lovely day, and you two haven't seen Pembroke yet and it's beautiful this time of year," said Eustace after they had finished eating, "How about it?"

"I'm game. Lucy?" said Edmund.

"OK," was the best she could manage.

Pembroke College (to which Eustace was referring) is one of the colleges comprising the famous university and is indeed a beautiful college. However, it has the added benefit, that it can be entered free of charge in groups of less than six, and when you are living on pocket money, this is a very favourable asset. So it was that the three of them trooped out of the Scrubb house on Jesus Green, down King's Parade and to Pembroke, which is a beautifully picturesque walk especially on a sunny day like that day, but Lucy was still covered by gloom and did not even notice it.

After they had walked round the college, they looked inside the chapel, which Eustace assured them, was built by Christopher Wren. Although he had started reading a fantasy novel which Edmund had lent him, and was thoroughly enjoying it, his head was still stuffed full of useless information from the books he had previously read, and although he tried his hardest not to, he still enjoyed knowing things that other people didn't.

Finally, Edmund plucked up the courage to ask, "What's wrong Lu?"

"Nothing," she replied a little sharply, and turned away, annoyed that they had seen through her when she had been trying so hard.

"There is something wrong," said Eustace rather bluntly, "You haven't been yourself all morning."

At this, all of the pressure she had put on herself to hide all her emotion got released, and she said something very unqueenlike, "It's alright for you. You probably will be going back to Narnia from what Aslan said. But Ed and I are never going back and I will never see the woods and fields of Narnia again, never see all those people I love and never see _Him_." Then she burst into tears.

Edmund did the two most sensible things he could have done in that situation. He put his arm round Lucy and silently cried out for help, 'Aslan, you said you would meet us in this world too. Please come and meet Lucy, she needs you.'

When Lucy stopped crying she found herself sitting on one of the benches on the chapel with Edmund and Eustace on either side of her. They sat there for a long time, no one speaking a word. Lucy, with her bowed head, could not help noticing the light through the stained glass windows making strange coloured patterns on the floor. As she stared at this her pain was gently lifted until she sat there letting the peace of the very old building soak through her. Although Lucy knew that the battle in her mind was far from over, the quietness of the place gave her rest for the time being, and she was almost happy.

Eventually Lucy knew that they had to go soon, and that neither of the other two were going to be the ones to suggest it. So putting on her bravest smile, which took a lot of effort, she stood up and said, "How about heading home for lunch?" So they did.

"What is it like for you, knowing that you will never go back?" asked Eustace that night.

Edmund had shared Eustace's room since the Pevensies had come to stay. Originally this had been unpleasant for both, but since the adventure in Narnia they had come to enjoy the arrangement as it allowed them a lot of time every night to talk and reminisce about dragons and islands and the edge of the world and the suchlike. Sometimes Lucy would sneak into their room and join them and then these conversations would go on for hours, as there was so much to talk about and so little time with no one else around when they could do the talking. But this night Lucy stayed in her room, and it was just the two boys.

Edmund was silent for a long time, before speaking very quietly, "We were there for years the first time. Longer than we have been in this world. For all of us it was hard to return to our ordinary life here, and for Lucy the hardest of all. She had to go from being an adult to being nine again, and what made it worse was that she loved it there more than any of us. I mean we all loved it, but for her it was somehow the place where she belonged in a way that it never was for the rest of us."

Eustace nodded, he could see that Lucy felt some things far more deeply than himself or Edmund. After a pause, Edmund realised that he had spoken the thoughts in his head, but hadn't answered Eustace's question, "I will be sad never to see Narnia, but I know that I can live in this world and be happy. And didn't Aslan say that there was a way into His country from this world as well. I daresay when I talk to the Professor about that, he will have something to say about it. Searching for it won't be an adventure in the way that an adventure in Narnia is, but I am sure it will be an adventure of a sort and exciting in its own way."

"She was so happy," mused Eustace after another pause, "Always laughing and cheerful, bringing joy wherever she went. She seems to have lost that. I say Ed, you don't think she'll fade and lose her joy without going back to Narnia, I mean…"

"Don't even say that," cried Edmund, more angrily than he meant, for he was worried about the same thing. After that the conversation stopped, and Edmund found himself crying out to Aslan again, 'Please don't let her lose her joy. Please don't let her lose her valiance.'


	2. Help

The very next morning they had a very pleasant surprise – the Professor, being a famous academic had been invited to come and give a special lecture at the university and was coming to stay in Cambridge for a couple days and Peter, whom he was tutoring, was coming with him. Uncle Harold had offered to let them stay at the house, and although there would not be much room in the house when they were all there, no one really minded. They had of course sent a telegram to Peter and the Professor the very day that they returned from Narnia, but telegrams are expensive for children and the longer they are the more expensive they are, so they had been very limited in what they could say. This meant that they would have to get Uncle Harold and Aunt Alberta out of the way so that they could have a long discussion about the latest adventure in Narnia.

The Professor and Peter were arriving in a few days, so Edmund and Eustace decided not to bring up the subject of Narnia until they arrived and allow those older and wiser to talk to Lucy about it. Those days were spent doing fairly mundane, but enjoyable activities around Cambridge. The three of them would pack a lunch and walk to one of the outlying villages or Uncle Harold might take them punting. On the one rainy day Eustace completely absorbed himself in a book about astronomy and Edmund and Lucy were slightly afraid that he was reverting until he told them that he had remembered something that Ramandu had said about stars in our world.

But they found it hard to talk about anything except the visit. Lucy loved her brother and the Professor very dearly, and like all those who love others dearly felt it very keenly when they were away, but felt unparalleled joy at a reunion after a long parting. Edmund was always very glad to see his brother and was fond of the old professor. Eustace was feeling apprehensive about the whole thing, as he had always been disliked by all the Pevensies including Peter. Although Lucy and Edmund assured him that he had nothing to fear and that Peter and him would get on swimmingly now he had changed, he couldn't help fearing that they wouldn't. He had always felt that Peter looked down on him. He realised now that this probably wasn't the case, but it did make him anxious.

While walking along the river one day a little out of the city, Edmund once wondered whether Aslan had heard him. It was so hard to know when he could not see the Great Lion with his own eyes. He looked to Lucy who was walking ahead of him. Before they came back she would have been dancing and skipping down the path and trying to persuade him to do the same.

Lucy was covered with gloom once again. It was as bad as it had been in the chapel. She didn't want it and she had tried not to be gloomy, but today the gloom had won. All she wanted to do was to shut herself in her room all day. Finally the walk became unbearable and she stopped and turned round to tell the boys that she wanted to go back. But just that instance a gust of wind from the river breathed on her face, and she turned to the river. A flash of electric blue streaked through her vision.

"Look," she cried pointing to the kingfisher, but the others had been talking and hadn't seen it. She had never seen a kingfisher before, and while Edmund was telling her how lucky she was, as he had never seen a kingfisher in this world, she forgot that she was gloomy. The three of them carried on down the river for a bit longer before turning back, talking about animals and birds they had seen, and telling Eustace about the all the Talking Birds of Narnia, whom he had never met.

"And although He didn't quite promise that I could come back, I think He meant that I could," Eustace's eyes were shining as he finished off his tale.

Eustace and Edmund were enjoying telling the story so much that they didn't notice Lucy biting her lip, though Peter did, and Lucy saw him watching her. The Professor noticed all these things, though no one would have realised from watching him, for he was not the sort of man to give much away.

It was the day after Peter and the Professor had arrived and they were sitting having a lunch in a very nice café in the centre of Cambridge that the Professor was treating them to before he gave his lecture at one of the colleges later in the afternoon.

Lucy had seen them first. "Peter," she had cried and ran towards him just as he stepped onto the platform. By the time the others had reached them, Lucy had finished hugging Peter and was hugging the Professor.

Eustace couldn't help noticing the way Peter held his head and the authority in his look. He had thought (although he had never admitted it to anyone) how noble Edmund and Lucy had looked while in Narnia, but in Peter's manner and on his face, there was both a nobility and a courage that awed Eustace made him want to avoid a conversation. The others were much-loved Narnian royalty after all and he was not. He knew that he had been rather unpleasant to everyone he had met for the first few weeks of his time in Narnia, and sometimes this made him feel very insignificant next to them.

But after Edmund and Peter had released each other, Peter looked Eustace straight in the eyes, "I hear that you are getting on well with my siblings now, Eustace. You will have to tell me how that happened," he said with a meaningful smile. Eustace managed a weak smile back and was completely unprepared as Peter hugged him.

As they walked back from the station, Eustace mentioned Peter hugging him to Edmund, who laughed and said, "Well I guess you're one of us now."

"It don't feel like it," said Eustace, "I was never a king like you."

"That's not what matters," said Edmund, "What matters is what Aslan says you are, because that's what you become."

After that they were silent for a bit, because Edmund was remembering the first conversation he had ever had with Aslan, which none of the others had heard, and Eustace was contemplating what Edmund had said. But soon they started going over their plans.

For Edmund and Eustace had come up with some very elaborate plans to get Uncle Harold and Aunt Alberta out of the house so that the five of them could talk properly, but Lucy had dismissed them as impractical. They needn't have worried, because as soon as the Professor entered the house, he addressed Aunt Alberta with the beautifully polished manners that some elderly people possess.

"My dear madam, I cannot thank you enough for allowing Peter and I the privilege of staying with you. I trust I will not be a burden to you while I am here. I should also very much like to treat my old lodgers to a lunch in the city if you will allow me to take them off your hands tomorrow lunchtime. Of course your delightful son must come as well, as I would not like him to feel left out."

After being addressed in such a way by such a distinguished gentleman, Aunt Alberta had really had no choice but to agree, and that had settled it.

After Eustace finished his story, he had to hear the Professor tell his own story of how he and his childhood friend Polly had been to Narnia on the day of its creation and witnessed the birth of the country, the coronation of the first King and Queen, and perhaps most remarkably, had heard the song of Aslan that brought it all into being. All of them perked up as he started telling, and even Lucy smiled. Although the Pevensies had heard the story before it is the kind of story that you never tire of hearing, and Eustace who had never heard it before marvelled at the rings, the flight of a winged horse, the lamppost and wonders of Aslan that he had not even dreamt of. But the Professor had timed his story carefully, for no sooner had he finished then it was time for him to go to give his lecture.

He had told them that they were welcome to come to his lecture if they wished, but he expected that they would find it very boring and had recommended that they didn't. Eustace, who was still a little in awe of the Professor and still sometimes thought that he knew a lot, said that he wanted to come. The others weren't very pleased about this, since they felt that they should come as well if Eustace was, but no one was going to argue about it on a day like this. So they all trooped out of the café towards the lecture theatre together.

Sitting in the back of the lecture theatre, they were fairly inconspicuous. It was a big lecture theatre not nearly full, and the academics and students who had come to hear the talk were at the front, so the children could speak in whispers at the back without disturbing anyone. Peter had carefully positioned himself so that Lucy was on the end and he was next to her.

"How are you feeling about not going back to Narnia?" he said a few minutes in, when they had all, even Eustace, admitted that they weren't going to understand a word of what the Professor said.

Lucy was very fond of Peter, and although she didn't want to talk about it she did for his sake. She told him how the great sadness had come over her as she realised that she would never return, about her yearning for Narnia and about the gloom. As she started it became easier and easier until she even admitted crying into her pillow. Although one can't talk very quickly in whispers, she had nearly an hour and at the end she felt exhausted. Peter didn't speak a word at first, but put his arm round her. When he did speak it felt as if rays of light were shining into the room though she couldn't see them, and she thought she caught a whiff of a faint golden sort of smell.

"It was hard at first for me, adjusting to this life again knowing that I will never return to the places we all loved, but there is adventure in this life too. There are people here who we love and there will be things to fight for, paths to journey on and hope to keep us going. Aslan will have a purpose for you here, and you will learn to see Him here as well."

"But I can't. He is not going to show up in this world is He? It would terrify everyone if a huge lion appeared in Cambridge."

Peter smiled, "That wasn't what I meant. I suppose I am learning that all beauty and all joy come from Him, whether we are in this world or in Narnia. He is here in this world, just a bit harder to see. And when you came back just now, didn't he say that there is a way to His country from this world, and that He would show it to you? He wouldn't have said that unless He meant to speak with you here as well, and that one day you would see Him face to face again."

At this point the lecture ended and all the children applauded so vigorously that the Professor was embarrassed. Lucy felt much better and the words Peter spoke kept going round and round in her head. 'Aslan will have a purpose for you here. He is here in this world, just a bit harder to see.'

That evening, Edmund finally found the Professor alone.

"Professor, can I ask you something?" he said.

"Of course, Edmund."

He paused, trying to form the question that was in his mind. He had been trying unsuccessfully all day to put it into words, and he knew that the Professor would scold him if he did not speak coherently. But eventually he realised he just had to go for it.

"Aslan said that there was a way into His country from this world. Do you know how to get there?"

The Professor was silent for a long time, and Edmund knew better than to press him. From his expression, he was obviously taking this question very seriously indeed.

"No, Edmund, I do not," he said at last, "I have come to the conclusion that nothing I can do will ever get me there. All I can do is to put my trust in Him, and pray that He will get me there. But I believe that if you and I do that, then we will reach His country eventually, whatever it may be like."

"It was like a mountain range," Edmund assured him, "I caught a glimpse of it over the edge of the world."

"One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty," replied the Professor, "It will be far more than that. Indeed it will be far more than anything you and I could ever imagine."

With that the Professor got up and left the room, and that was the end of the conversation. Edmund went back to the others, but the Professor went to the bathroom and wiped his eyes. After a lifetime of dreaming of Aslan's country, it is not easy to talk of it and such powerful longings were stirred in him whenever he did. He took a few minutes to compose himself before returning to his chair and his book.


	3. Healing

The next day was the hardest of all. They had to say goodbye to Peter and the Professor at the train station in the morning. Lucy had never felt less like Queen Lucy the Valiant as she clung to Peter and cried. After they had gone, Lucy hardly left her room all day despite the others' attempts to coax her out. Even when she went to bed she couldn't sleep, but was overwhelmed by thoughts of all that she had lost by never returning to Narnia. When she had talked to Peter, she had been given such hope, but now that he had left hope was lost again. Her despair was so great that it reminded her of the dark island they had encountered on their travels on the Dawn Treader. But this was her salvation. Suddenly she remembered crying out to Aslan, and an albatross that had guided them out when she had done so. Once again she cried out silently, 'Aslan, if you are in this world, send me help now.'

Suddenly she was wide awake, because she smelt a delicious, sweet golden fragrance that she knew. She knew that He was here, in the room with her.

"Aslan," she said, looking round the room, "I can't see you. Please let me see you."

Then she started almost started sobbing again for she so desperately wanted to see Him and to bury her face in His mane once again and forget her troubles in His glory. Yet she had the horrible feeling that He was not going to let her.

"You will see my face again sweet child, but not here, not now" came His voice from the room. Not from somewhere in the room, but from everywhere in the room all at once.

"But when?" she cried.

"That is not for you to know."

"I am sorry I have been so gloomy lately, but how can I ever be happy again if you aren't here with me?" she asked.

"I am always with you Lucy. Have you known me so long and not seen that? It was I whispering in your ear as you cried on your bed and told you what you would need to hear. It was I who comforted you in the chapel, giving you the peace you would need for the day. It was I who breathed on you by the river, driving the gloom from you. It was I who spoke to you through Peter, though it was he who spoke my words. I have always been with you, though you have not always recognised my voice when I spoke."

At this the tears flowed thick and fast as she remembered the words that had been whispered to her, the peace of the chapel and particularly her conversation with Peter.

"And this I promise you little one," said the voice, "I will be with you till the end of time."

Lucy still could not see a anything except an ordinary room, but she felt His hot breath on her face, and felt her hair swish as He breathed long and slow over her and into her. Later she found the experience impossible to describe to the others, except to say, "His breath fills you up completely and you feel like you are going to burst."

After that Lucy fell asleep straight away, and she could never be sure whether or not it was a dream. However, when she came down to breakfast, Edmund immediately noticed the change:

"What happened?" he whispered, so that their Aunt and Uncle wouldn't hear.

"I found Him," she said, "No, that's not quite right. I think He found me and I know I'm going to be alright."


End file.
